Hereunder

For My Daughter

You are searching for honest hearts,

Keeping the rules,

But aware that some break them.

"What are boys to me?" you ask yourself.

It is still Spring--there is time enough.

Keep Calm & Vest Don

Gentle visitors, the cold air has blown into these parts from the frigid Pole, and the sudden chill sent your humble Contributor (shivering, we confess) into the spare closet to select an appropriate sweater vest.  Thus, the season is upon us.  And, this change is always a blessing: even as we suffer the sorrows of the Fall, we have the consolation of a sweater vest to lift our Spirits and insulate our Internal Organs. 

In the past, we have addressed the virtues of sweater vests.  Of course, one could fill volumes on the subject.   But, today, we are reminded  of that famous slogan minted by the British Ministry of Information in 1939:

 "KEEP CALM and CARRY ON"  

There they were, the poor Brits, on the eve of the second Great War, preparing to face the onslaught of the Luftwaffe , advised, if not commanded, to "keep calm."  But how to stay calm under such circumstances?  Well, among other measures, every man Jack went straight to his haberdasher, got fit with a sturdy woolen pullover -- with a "V" neck for Victory! -- signed up for King and Country and... well, Bob's your uncle, and the rest -- and the vest -- is History. 

Who could have expected that this small, though handsome and eminently practical, vestment could have stemmed the Nazi Blitzkreig?  But, there you have it: the humble sweater vest, like Tolkien's fabled mithril, was credited for it's calming influence and stout courage until the War was finally won (with some assist from the Yanks). 

This well-woven reputation has borne out over the years. Studies have shown that sweater vests significantly reduce stress and improve productivity in office environments.  By "studies," we mean, of course, our own personal studies over many years observing the effect of these  smart frocks: on appearance, it defuses even the most tense crisis then leads all forward with poise and confidence.  Indeed, we have found no recorded instance -- and can imagine none -- of any untoward event in the presence of vest-wearer.

We should note that no other sweater has these effects.  For example, showing up in a cardigan would be, in most cases, less than desirable. This is easy to explain. Cardigans cover the whole arm, indicating it's suitability for low energy tasks, such as slowly strolling through the leaves, meticulously examining a stamp collection, or settling down toddlers a la Mr. Rogers.

Among active adults, however, a cardigan works as a strong sedative, soothing to the point of somnolence when there is still work to be done!  By contrast, sweater vests leave the arms free, indicating a workmanlike spirit with a calm core of confidence. 

Or, consider the turtleneck -- a disastrous choice! -- a covering likely to arouse only feelings  of horror or dismay.   True, a mock turtleneck is not as bad:  it elicits merely disappointment.  Still, some wags wear mocks, as the name suggests, to express a kind of smirking and self-aware irony. But, does this befit a real gentleman?   The question, we think, answers itself.

Gentle visitors, in these days as in the past, we live in a cold and confusing world.  Against this chill wind, we need the genuine article-- something that brings warmth and sense.  

As practical and moral matter, a vest is best.  

 

 

 

Forgiveness

Gentle visitors, these days your humble Contributor is instructed in the quality and virtue of forgiveness chiefly by way of apparel and apparatus. 

We are rightly admonished to forgive not seven times, but seventy times seven, a multiplication that yields a certain sum (490 to be precise, by the old tables long committed to memory) but intended to suggest a much higher number. 

Now, some slacks hanging in your humble Contributor's wardrobe are well on their way to reaching this number of pardons.   The key, in this regard, is that a tag sewn to a seam reports that the waist band is "x" -- that is, a number reflecting  a certain circumference; when, in fact, it will accommodate "y"  -- a greater circumference -- and, with some effort, "z". 

This sort of apparently lazy geometry would not have pleased Sr. Marie Gerard who, in the dark ages of the last century,  insisted that we young scholars measure things arightly -- until, at least, one demonstrated to Sister that the same, larger though imprecise number suggested by the aforesaid parable was likewise exhibited here -- that is, a greater forgiveness.  

But, the appreciation of this fact is lost on a schoolchild, coming instead only with age, with which, in turn, often comes a change in geometrical approach to the person, which might well be correlated to a marked  slacking (unrelated to the slacks), and which we might express this as follows: a decrease in energy is directly correlated to an increase in mass.  The slacks forgive this physical impropriety by means of a hidden elasticity or generosity in their make-up.

Similarly, today I received, as a gift, a graphite cudgel which promises to be forgiving.  The instrument is intended solely for that strange practice whereby grown persons wander into a field and strike repeatedly at a globule with a stick until they drive it into a small hole some one or two furlongs off.  No doubt, in the distant future, anthropologists will study this odd occupation and wonder whether it was part of a religious rite of mortification or a sign of the general madness that consumed those pitiful peoples.  That the Irish were so closely associated with it would support either supposition.

In any case, a normal club of this type assumes that the striker (say, your humble Contributor) intends the orb to go just as it is addressed -- that is, careening recklessly into a wood  or thicket or stagnant pool; whereas, the forgiving club assumes that the striker intended no such wayward, untoward thing, and, by means of its accommodating design makes straight the path of flight, thereby defying the laws of physics and aerodynamics.

But, all is well: for just so does forgiveness defy enumeration and calculation.

 

Vested Interests

Gentle visitors,

Sweater vest season is officially upon us, at least in these climes.  And, trend-setter that he is, your humble Contributor has already retrieved his varied collection of vests from the cedar closet and donned the first -- this year, selecting a muted olive as an an inaugural, autumnal garment.

The sweater vest is, of course, a model of utility and fashion.  As ambient temperatures drop, it uniformly maintains one's core temperature, thereby protecting the vital organs from the very real effects of hypothermia.  At the same time, nothing says  "style" more completely than a sweater vest framed and covered by a tweed blazer -- it sends the distinct message of scholarship, sense, and sportiness, all gathered within the same person thusly clothed.  Remove the blazer, and it signals a tempered competence.  Roll up one's sleeves, and it speaks enterprise without arrogance.

Of course, the "V" of the vest creates a proportionate space for a sound cravat -- as an aside, a crew neck in the same ensemble would present a profoundly embarrassing self-negation of even the most sensible necktie -- but the vest also suggests, by understatement, the V of Vigilance, Vigor, Victory, Virility, and even Verisimilitude, in contrast to the loud clamor of a lowbrow lothario in a sharkskin suit.

Indeed, the very word "vest" denotes an authority rightly reposed -- a certain power, franchise, or endowment, signified by the clothing itself, which a mere shirt or sport-coat could never convey.

Naturally, those who do not understand the vest's vitality and versatility (again, the "V") , whether out of envy or ignorance, mock such raiment as unfashionable.  Well, gentle visitors, they said the same thing of polka music, and now regret that they did not in-vest in an accordion.  

Yankovic_justbecause

Model Alternative To The Super Bowl

Gentle visitors, last year at this time, we offered model talking points for the non-sports fan.  This year some of the fair sex (whether by birth or disposition or re-assignment) have suggested that we offer an alternative to the garish, hyperbolic spectacle of the Super Bowl for those of the unfair sex who, nonetheless, wish to abandon their loathsome maleness for an evening and discover their inner Sheba.  We offer this proposed schedule for one, particular gentleman who is most in need of such transformation.  (We'll call him "Ken" -- because that's his real name.)

5:00 p.m.  Light aromatic candles. Too late for a cranberry or a ginger tone, too early for anything floral. Perhaps a Moroccan fig.

5:30 p.m. Prepare hors d'oeuvres.   Select ingredients most likely to offend men such as goat cheese, fennel, thyme, or anything French.  Pine needle garnish preferred.  Avoid raspberry vinaigrette as it is now passe. 

6:00 p.m.  Greet guests -- your wife and her girlfriends.  Pour wine.  Avoid Merlot.  Suggest a Pinot.

6:30 p.m.    Begin watching "Beaches" DVD along with extended commentary. Provide plenty of tissues.

9:15 p.m.   Discuss emotional implications of film with wife and guests over tamarind or cucumber sorbet and oolong tea.  More tissues.

10:15 p.m.  Give tour of remodeled living and dining rooms emphasizing considerations in choice of textures, dimensions, and colors.  Be sure to note that most men could not tell the difference in hues, say, as between a Puffin and a Prairie Bluff.

11:15 p.m.  Bid guests good night.  Kisses, hugs.

11:30 p.m.  Fetch your wife's aroma-therapeutic slippers and kimono. Offer a warm stone massage.

Midnight  When wife has dozed, order a dozen extra-hot chicken wings, crack open a pounder of pale ale, and snap back the recliner to watch the balance of post-game highlights and commentary on ESPN.  Do not move except to locate and light a long, dark-leaved cigar.

1:45 p.m.  Re-watch selections from "Beaches" on DVD.  Dry eyes.  Retire.

Joe Manners: Everyday Etiquette

Awright. Listen up.  Last time we talked about utensils and stuff.  What I am about to talk about today is called 'etiquette'.  It's like French or somethin'.  Whatever.  Youse didn't know this until just now.  You're stupid. Ok?

So, like, when youse want somethin' you don't say, "Gimme dat!"  You say, "Please."  How hard is that?  Like, "Please, shut your face before I bust it for you!"  Easy.

Or, like, someone gives you somethin', you say  "Thanks."  It's called gratitude, ok?  Someone gives you nothin', say, "Thanks for nothin',  greaseball."  How hard is that?

And, say like you mess up -- that's all youse do is mess up -- say, "I'm sorry."  That should be easy for youse -- you're all sorry.  Or, youse can be like fancy and say "Excuse me" or "Pardon me", or youse can say "I beg your pardon..."  or somethin'.  I don't know, there's 15 different ways to say this -- I don't know what it is with 15 ... it's like my number.   I need to use it on all my lotto picks or somethin'.  Anyhow, you can say, like, uh, "Pardon me, but your face seems to have gotten in the way of my fist."

This is stuff you shoulda learned when youse were like in kindergarten, but you didn't cause youse were in like reform school.  You're losers.  Ok?

Sometimes you gotta call people by a different name -- it's called an 'honorific'.  Don't even try to remember that.  Ok?  You're stupid.  Don't try.  But, say, like, you're in court and you say, "Your honor"  --that's what you call a judge, ok? That's why is called an honorific....  That's like, you get busted again and you say, "Terrific, now I'm totally #!%&'d."  Like's it's a terror or somethin', but not really.  Whatever. 

Anyhow, you say,  "Your honor, I swear I didn't try to grease that guy.  I never seen him before in my life.  I swear it.  He must have left his wallet in my car."  Fine.   The judge let's you walk, and late that night you see him down at the bar and -- what do you say? -- you say, "Hey, thanks, Big Vinny.  I owe ya."  Then, he says, "That's right you owe me.  Where's my money, you bum?"  And, you say, "Please give me a couple a days -- I'll get it to you."  And, he says, "Cut the 'please' crap.  You owe me... pay up!"  And, you say, "I'll tol' you, you'll get your money, alright?  Now if you will excuse me while I kick your butt" and so on.  Next thing you know you're up in front of another judge for busting the head of the first judge, and now you pay both of dem.  Stupid.

That completes our lessons for the time being.  Get out of my sight, I'm done talkin' to you.

Shorts Story

“You can’t make up anything anymore.  The world itself is a satire.  All you’re doing is recording it.”  -- Art Buchwald

Last Friday, I was getting dressed for work and my 7 year old son came into the bedroom and plopped on the bed, just to hang out.  As I stood there in my white boxers and t-shirt, I said to him, “I think I'll go in to the office dressed like this.  Just like this.  Nothing else.”

  My son smiled.  This is an old type of joke around my house between me and my kids.  Make an outrageous statement and get a reaction.  It’s kind of funny, as long as I am the one making the outrageous statements.

“I’ll see if I can make it to my office -- get in the car, drive to work, park in the office garage, take the elevator to my floor, and walk down the corridor to my office -- dressed just like this, without anyone seeing me.”

Still smiling, my son said, “Okay.”

I said,  “No, I mean dressed like this.  Nothing else on.  If I see anyone, I will just say, ‘Good morning’ and keep walking.”

“Okay,” he said, now giggling.

As usual, I chickened out.  I put my suit on and went to the office, notwithstanding my son’s mild, amused disappointment.

So imagine my surprise when I came across this on the web this morning.

I don't think this is what they meant when they called New York "The Naked City."

Joe Manners: The Proper Use of Utensils

Awright. Listen up. What I am holdin' in my hand is what you call a "utensil". Youse didn't know this until just now. It's not your fault -- you're just stupid. Ok?

So, you say, Yo, Joe, what's a 'utensil?  Good.  Youse wanna learn.  That's good.  That's why I'm here to teach youse.  So, shuddup an' listen.

Say, like, youse were invited to like a fancy dinner -- not gonna happen -- not a chance for you lowlifes -- but, who knows, right?   Ok.  Anyhow, it's like really fancy with folded napkins and all.   There's like 15 utensils sittin' there -- what is it with 15?  I mean, can someone explain dat to me?  It's like some magic number.  Whatever.

Anyhow, you're like sittin' down to eat, an' they got like a roll sittin' there an' like a salad that has like leaves and midget oranges and nuts and crap like that, an' across the table is dis guy Carmine, who's actin' like he's a made man or somethin', den he says somethin'  about how youse look or about your mudder, whatever, an' you got dis butter knife in your hand, right.   Do not, under any circumstance, try to stick Carmine with the butter knife.  Dis is stupid, Ok.  All youse is gonna do is like bruise him and get like margarine on his sharkskin suit.  Dat's it, dat's it, he says.  You're dead.

Youse gotta stick Carmine?  Use the fork, stupid.

Hey, speakin of that, they got dese like, uh, midget forks.  No kiddin'.  An' you think , hey, what's dis about.  Some fork for midgets?   But, let's say there's like a midget sittin' next to youse, an' he stands up and messes up your placement an' says, I'll kick your a**!  An' you say, Whoa, whoa.  Some midget is gonna kick my a**?  I gotta see dis.  Some f--  then, all of a sudden like, you're on the ground an' this midget is poundin' your face and sayin', DON'T CALL ME A MIDGET!  I GOT A NAME -- IT'S SHORTY.

There you go.  Another tragedy dat could of been avoided. 

Remember.  Do not eat wit your hands.  Do not lick the plate.  Do not flick items of food wit the soup spoon. 

Next, we're gonna talk about everyday etiquette -- what are you looking at?

Joe Manners: The Proper Use of Napkins

Gentle visitors, no-one can claim that any of the regular of you lacks a keen sense of graciousness and decorum (lacks a basic common sense for returning to these pages? -- that's another matter entirely). Nonetheless, one of the alert poor relations from the sub-tundral regions has discovered a book entitled, "Etiquette for the Average Joe". Having not read this book, we can in no way endorse it; but, it does speak to our "inner Joe" -- the better part of all of us. And, there is that odd, uncouth visitor who would be well served with a few lessons in civility. Accordingly, here is the first lesson.

Awright. Listen up. What I am holdin' in my hand is what you call a "napkin". Youse didn't know this until just now. It's not your fault -- you're just stupid. Ok?

What you do with a napkin is you -- well, ok, like, you're gettin' fast food and there's this thing called a "dispenser" -- youse didn't know that. Then, you go to grab like a napkin and it rips. I can't stand that -- you go to grab just one napkin and it rips. Forget about that. Just pick up the dispenser and grab like 15 napkins. Throw 'em in the car. You never know -- you might spill somethin'. Whatever.

Or, like those paper towels in the can. I know-- youse don't wash your hands after you go. But, if you did, you wipe your hands on your pants, right? Not a problem. But, you go to grab like a paper towel and they're, like, hung up. Forget about that. Just grab 15. Throw 'em in the car. You never know.

Or, like the woman behind the counter, right? She don't speak English hardly -- she says, like, "may I take-a you orter". Whatever. Then, she gives you your MegaBurger and Super Fires and, like, 15 things of catch-up. 15! I don't know what's up with 15 -- what is it?-- it's like a magic number of somethin. I don' know. But, just take em', ok. Throw 'em in the car. You never know.

Now, what I am holding in my hands is -- Listen up! Yeah, you! You with the stupid look! Somebody smack 'im for me..... Stu-pid.... Awright, this is a cloth napkin. Trust me -- youse probably never saw this before.

Ok, maybe like you're goin' to your cousin Carmella's wedding, right? An', you go to sit down and there's one of these napkins like all folded up on the plate like a... like a... I don' know what. Somethin' nice.

Under no circumstance, do not touch it! Go back to the bar for a while. Have a few drinks. Then, come back. If everybody and his brother is sitting down, take the napkin and move it to the side. Let it sit there. If it comes undone, you messed up. Ok? Don't knock over the foldin' chair when you sit down. Don't tell Carmella she looks fat.

Awright. Next, we talk about utensils. Trust me -- youse don't know what they are.

Model Daily Menu and Regimen

Many visitors complained about our apparent glorification of the doughnut and other unhealthful habits. Thus chastened, we have dusted off this daily regimen that served us so well as recently as the last century.

6:30 Rise & Wash Up

6:40 Morning exercise (Low-impact, mild aerobic)

7:00 Breakfast:
Nonfat, plain yogurt w/ wheat germ
Whole wheat muffin
Prunes (unsweetened)
Cup of hot water

8:30 Watch PBS quilting show
Glass of water

9:30 Snack:
Wheat bran & sunflower kernels
Glass of Water

10:00 Walk (3 miles w/ weights)

11:00 Glass of water

12:00 Lunch:
Mashed lentils and greens in whole wheat pita
Beet chips (unsalted)
Kiwi fruit (note: pick seeds from teeth)
Glass of water
(Finish remaining yogurt-germ)

1:30 Review Whole Earth catalog
Glass of water

2:30 Glass of water

3:30 Snack:
Black beans & cabbage squares
Glass of water
(Finish leftover yogurt-germ before dinner)

4:00 Afternoon exercise (Pilates)

5:00 Glass of water

6:00 Dinner:
Organic pinto beans
Fresh kale
Coarse cornmeal mash
Dessert:
Dates (unsweetened)
Hot water seasoned w/ allspice
(dipose of remaining yogurt-germ)

7:30 Glass of water

8:30 Watch PBS nature show
Glass of water

10:00 Evening exercises (Yoga positions)

10:30 Bed

10:45 Toss & turn

11:00 Rise & pace about (mild aerobic)

11:15 Evening snack:
Cinnamon rice cakes (2)
Glass of skim milk

11:30 Bed (toss & turn)

11:40 Evening snack (second):
Cinnamon rice cakes (5)
Skim milk shake w/ carob & frozen tofu

11:50 Bed (toss & turn)

11:55 Rise, dress, & go out

12:15 Late-night snack:
7-Eleven foot long chili dog
Large bag pork rinds
32-ounce Big Gulp Cola
Watch Hawaii Five-O re-run

1:00 Late-night snack (second):
El Grandé beef & bean burrito
7-Eleven super-large nachos
Schlitz Malt Liquour (quart bottle)
Large bowl rocky road ice cream
Pack of Lucky Strikes
Watch Gomer Pyle, USMC and Green Acres re-runs

2:05 Maalox & bed

* Adapted from Eat Regular, Be Regular (Jan Zafloski, Whole Life/Whole Grain Books, 1993) and The Gastronomically-Correct Diet (Belinda Garbanza, Pita Press, 1994).