Joe Manners: The Proper Use of Utensils

Awright. Listen up. What I am holdin' in my hand is what you call a "utensil". Youse didn't know this until just now. It's not your fault -- you're just stupid. Ok?

So, you say, Yo, Joe, what's a 'utensil?  Good.  Youse wanna learn.  That's good.  That's why I'm here to teach youse.  So, shuddup an' listen.

Say, like, youse were invited to like a fancy dinner -- not gonna happen -- not a chance for you lowlifes -- but, who knows, right?   Ok.  Anyhow, it's like really fancy with folded napkins and all.   There's like 15 utensils sittin' there -- what is it with 15?  I mean, can someone explain dat to me?  It's like some magic number.  Whatever.

Anyhow, you're like sittin' down to eat, an' they got like a roll sittin' there an' like a salad that has like leaves and midget oranges and nuts and crap like that, an' across the table is dis guy Carmine, who's actin' like he's a made man or somethin', den he says somethin'  about how youse look or about your mudder, whatever, an' you got dis butter knife in your hand, right.   Do not, under any circumstance, try to stick Carmine with the butter knife.  Dis is stupid, Ok.  All youse is gonna do is like bruise him and get like margarine on his sharkskin suit.  Dat's it, dat's it, he says.  You're dead.

Youse gotta stick Carmine?  Use the fork, stupid.

Hey, speakin of that, they got dese like, uh, midget forks.  No kiddin'.  An' you think , hey, what's dis about.  Some fork for midgets?   But, let's say there's like a midget sittin' next to youse, an' he stands up and messes up your placement an' says, I'll kick your a**!  An' you say, Whoa, whoa.  Some midget is gonna kick my a**?  I gotta see dis.  Some f--  then, all of a sudden like, you're on the ground an' this midget is poundin' your face and sayin', DON'T CALL ME A MIDGET!  I GOT A NAME -- IT'S SHORTY.

There you go.  Another tragedy dat could of been avoided. 

Remember.  Do not eat wit your hands.  Do not lick the plate.  Do not flick items of food wit the soup spoon. 

Next, we're gonna talk about everyday etiquette -- what are you looking at?

Comments

[Ned]

Of course. If you are going to flick items of food you must use the fork. Sheesh, everyone knows that.

[jasmine carpiza]

hi i have learn many things in this site