A recent post by our non-fellow fellow Ned, inspires the following melancholic epigraph from the past and prophetic vision of the future.
Every office caffeinary who in his breweding sips,
Swallows hard this bitter cup: few percs and many drips.
FROM: NATIONAL DIRECTORATE OF HEALTH
FOR IMMEDIATE BROADCAST
A message from our Good Leader...
Dear Children –
Some of you are not old enough to remember the days when people actually smoked a substance called "tobacco", which was from the Evil One. Thanks be to the Goddess, we were able to eradicate this social perversion by simply drawing on the lessons of history: many abandoned the practice and, those who did not, came around after periods of re-education and rehabilitation in one of our Health Retreats and with continuing support from our Pharmacological Phriends™ – Little Sarah Tonin & Endorphin the Dolphin.
Without these aids, old habits die hard. We still find confused and misinformed citizens who believe that "family" is somehow connected to mere gamete interchanges and biological precursors. Of course, we now know this to be completely false. How small a world it must be – how limited! – to not embrace our Great, Global Village and Caring & Nurturing Government™ as our true family! Again, thankfully, recent advances in neural nanosurgery have corrected these anomalies.
Now, you may hear some agitators questioning our caffeine elimination program. The Peoples Assembly has, once again, voted unanimously for this crucial initiative. The Random Science Generator has shown conclusively that those who use caffeine, or anyone who has close contact with them, almost certainly will contract a disfiguring and debilitating disease and will die a horrible death. This in a society where no-one dies! (Except those who choose to enter our Gentle Goodnight™ program or are placed there by our Caring & Nurturing Government.)
Yes, now we know the many lies spread by Big Coffee and Big Cola! Their fat-cat corporate boards were, indeed, chock full of nuts! But, I promise you, Dear Children, that we will grind down them just as we did Big Oil and Big Liquor and Big Religion and Big Fast Foods and, well, everything Big.
Just remember: Caffeine Kills Kids!
And, in the mean time, enjoy a nice hot cup of N-R-G (Neurotransmitter Regulation Goop), and don’t forget to thank the Goddess for the blessings of liberty!
... Your Good Leader and President for Life